I learned

to ask forgiveness and move on today.  Now for practice.  Practice makes perfect, hopefully.

I also learned that high standards sometimes lead to disappointment.  And disappointment is, well, disappointing.

Going to Austin tomorrow.  I promised myself I wouldn't drink.  Let's see if I'm disappointing or not.  Hopefully not.

Mmmm, New Slang.  The Shins.  Satisfaction.

New book to read: When The Game Is Over It All Goes Back In the Box

Today

God is light.  In Him there is no darkness at all.

Truth

I am selfish and flawed.

But that is why He lived perfectly.

His perfection is more than enough to cover me and everyone else on this Earth.  And for that I am eternally grateful.  I don't know how I've been missing this part lately but I have.  And I've been missing The part where He loves me and I love Him.  I've been missing the relational part.  I'm going to work on that and I have a feeling things will fall into place.  I know He is with me always.

God is light.  In Him there is no darkness at all.
1 John 1:5

He is in me.  Therefor, there can be no darkness in me.  I'm done lettning darkness reign in my body.

This is a horrible place to be

Today I realized I don't talk to anyone about anything.  I just let things build up inside of me up inside of me until I literally can't take it anymore.  Right now there's so much pressure inside of me that it just keeps pushing itself out.  Today it pushed tears out when I was just hanging out with friends.  At a random time.  Sometimes it pushes unprovoked and unnecessary anger out.  I know what I need to do is give all this crap I'm carrying around with me to Him.  But its easier said than done.

How do I just let it go.
Trust him?  I know.  Have faith?  I know.  Give it away and don't touch it again?  I know.
I'm not asking for answers or a game plan.
It's like I know the plays but my body won't execute them.
How do I fix that?

I feel bad complaining because it's like I know all the answers and I'm being a big baby and won't just do what I need to do.  And I want to do, so desperately.  I don't know what's holding me back.  I keep trying to break free of these chains that are binding me together in a tight little ball but for some reason I can't.  And I keep trying to give it to Him because I know he will gladly take it and fix it all but there's something I'm not giving him or something because its not working.  And it's me, I know.  He's prefect and I'm flawed.  I want to live the life He has for me again.  I've been living my life and its not nearly as good.

I want to give him my job search
my financial aid
my body image
my bad habbits
my urges
my impatience
my selfishness
my time management
my lack of understanding
my language
my thoughts
my worrying
my complaining
my self worth
my neediness
my unhappiness
my procrastination

I want to give it all to Him and stop holding on to and trying to fix it all myself but its not working.  I give it to Him one second and snatch it back the next.

This is a horrible place to be.

I want to sing hymns

There's nothing particular on my mind.
Another good night.
Maybe not the one before this one though.
Still at the fork.
Still not committing.
But hey, at least I'm honest?
I started to committ...
Realized what that meant giving up...
And ran back.
But I took that first step again tonight...
We'll see if I run back this time.
I don't want to.

One day I'm going to just post a list of all the things I want.
Maybe that will be the next post.
It'll probably be epic.
Wonder if I fooled anyone by hitting enter so much...
Like maybe they thought this was poetic in some way...
Nope, sorry.
Except I'm not.

It's time for slumber.
Goodnight moon.

Glorious nights lead to disappointing mornings

So last night I did, yet again, what I have been trying to do.  That is, hanging out with people from the right crowd err who share my beliefs and who are encouraging men and women of God.

I feel bad knowing that's what a need to do, though.  I mean, I just wish that I could hang out around everything I know I shouldn't do without being tempted.  But I'm not that strong.  Maybe one day, just not today.  And not tomorrow.  And probably not the next day.  But I hope that with time my faith will grow and I won't be the baby finch anymore.  I hope that one day my faith will grow into something beautiful.  Like a peacock.  I know it can't fly but you have to admit that its pretty big and pretty beautiful.

Oh man, yesterday at the Wesley when we did cardboard testimonies...  I wish I could have seen everyone's.  And also, sometimes I doubt myself when I participate in voluntary activities like that.  Sometimes there's something in the back of my mind telling me that I'm just doing it for attention.  But I don't know if that's a seed of doubt placed there by the enemy to keep me from something that could speak to someone else or if that is God whispering to me to hold back.  That maybe its not really necessary.  I went ahead and did it last night because I always do when that happens.

This is awfully honest of me.  But its true.  It wouldn't be so distressing to me if my cardboard testimony were something else.  But it isn't.  My greatest sin that God has delivered me from is self harm.  And that already is looked down upon many times by people who think its a hoax to get attention.  So its distressing to stand in front of a full Wesley and hold up a sign that says that's a part of who I am still.  It will always pass through my mind.  It's like a addiction.  I will always be a person who has self harmed.  However, I will not always be a person who self harms as long as I hold fast in my faith in the Lord.

I can say all these things that sound right and proper and like I'm on the right path.  But honestly, I've been running back to the fork in the road this summer.  And now I'm here.  And its time to choose again.  I know my choice.  But I've made this choice so many times before.  Will it be honest this time?  Will I live into it for more than a few months?  I honestly hope so.  This is a crazy time to make this decision.  With plans already made and money already spent.  But its time and I know it.

Maybe one day I won't be a finch anymore.  Maybe one day I'll be a peacock.

My first blog since Xanga

I don't know why I decided to start a blog...  Okay that's a lie, I do know.  I see all these people around here who get some satisfaction out of their artsy hobbies and I envy them.  I wish I could create art that I felt worthy of sharing whether it be in word, musical, visual, or some other form.  However, I can't.  Which is fine because it occurred to me today that I can get the same satisfaction out of a blog.

And now we know why this blog exists...
And I'm just going to go out on a limb here and guess that its probably not going to be full of philosophical, deep, meaningful, and thought provoking content.  However, I don't really know so I guess we'll just wait and see.  (See that it will probably be full of uninteresting ramblings about my life.)

I don't expect this blog to be interesting so forewarning to anyone considering reading this...I'm not sure if I would advise it.  But do as you will.

Also, put in Matt Costa on Pandora and listen to all the bautiful music.